Dear George Lucas,

It’s 5:00am, I just got back from Columbia, and your movie sucks. 

Seriously, it was like the mediocre movie that wouldn’t end. Learn to cut something out. It’s this new process called EDITING. What’s that you say? You did cut things out? Dang. Thanks. My bladder would have most likely hemorrhaged if you hadn’t. 

Moving on… light saber duels that last 7 minutes? Not interesting anymore. When it was Darth Maul in Episode 1 it was sort of interesting. When Yoda went all Sonic The Hedgehog on us in Episode 2… that was down right awesome. But when we already know the outcome of the duels in Episode 3 it’s not interesting. What’s that you say? What about General Grievous’ fight scene? Right. How did that go again? “Hey, look at me! I’m a big, coughing mechanical praying mantis! I look like a Robotech reject! Grrr! I’ve got four lightsabers! I mean three lightsa… two… oh, nevermind.” Sorry, you lose.

Abysmal acting. When R2-D2 is less stiff of a character than REAL PEOPLE ARE I think you might have issues. And wretched dialogue like “You’re so beautiful” “That’s only because i’m so in love” “No, it’s because i’m so in love with you” really didn’t help your cause either. What is this, intergalactic love tennis? “You…” “No you…” “No YOU…” It was painful to watch them volley those lines back and forth. I started to hope one of them would die. Oops.

And yet there we all were tonight, nerding out together and sharing in the experience. Nine theaters full of wishful thinkers… hoping that the inevitable suckage wouldn’t occur. Millions of dollars, 20 years of cinematic and graphic advancements, and Revenge of the Sith is all that you can muster? 

And so closes a chapter of my life that’s probably summed up best by saying to my parent’s generation, “I think I liked your trilogy better than my trilogy.”