Is This A Normal Day?

You mean people get up in the morning and go to work and then they’re, like, done? I mean… it’s not even DARK yet. Is this how most of you live? 

Very strange.

I went from 3rd shift to 1st shift in less than 48 hours. Combine that with the fact that this weekend I randomly decided to see what life was like decaffeinated, and my body is officially writing hate mail to itself right now. I filled in at Brains On Fire again today; think of me as a designer temp. (Only take that mental image and make me better-looking and an inch or two taller. Fun game, right? Nevermind).

Brains is a cool place. Great people, great atmoshphere, great staff culture. I would love to work there (as we all know by now) but that’s out of my hands. I’m not at all sure what the future holds for me vocationally. I don’t even know what NEXT WEEK holds for me vocationally. It’s both a good and bad thing, I suppose. Good in that i’m enjoying the rapid changes from day to day and week to week… the uncertainty is exciting and has helped to curb my seemingly insatiable restlessness. But bad in that i’m feeling a bit like i’m in limbo… just floating without actually doing anything worthwhile. I have to fight the urge to get discouraged. It’s so easy to slip into that mindset. Recently my life has felt very much like a fight… fighting to get work, fighting to convince people I can do more than they think I can (it seems i’ve photoshopped myself into a corner stylistically), fighting to get someone to give me a chance to be in an environment where I can learn more than I know. And the easy thing to do when things don’t layout in front of you like you imagined they would is to think you’ve failed… as if there was some test you didn’t even know you were taking and you failed it. 

But that’s not reality. And even if it was, I don’t care if I fail. I refuse to get discouraged because of my (self) perceived failures. Fear of failure is a terrible motivation to do anything. If i’m going to fail (and I am to varying degrees for the rest of my life) then I want to fail BIG TIME because at least if i’m doing that then I know i’m trying something I haven’t done before. And in that, I know i’ll grow and learn in ways I couldn’t by sitting and watching the world change without me. I’ll take massive and complete failure any day over incremental “improvement.”