Boys Be Shoppin’

I went clothes shopping yesterday and I have a few things to say.

1. They should make a dress shirt size in-between Large and X-Large. We could call it Sorta-Large. Or Large-er. I don’t really care. I just know that a typical Large dress shirt fits me splendidly except for the neck (which is hopelessly never going to button or allow me to wear a tie) and the chest (where the top button looks like it’s saying, “Dude, whatever you do, don’t breath in too deeply, or you may never see me again and i’ll end up in someone’s punch cup across the room.” 

Consequently, an X-Large looks like I wrapped misshapen fabric around my torso. Why don’t they make clothes that fit real people? (Cue my friend Katie saying something about how the industry designs from patterns made in the 70’s that don’t come close to reflecting the majority of American’s actual body shapes anymore.)

2. Just QUIT IT with the striped dress shirts. I do not need to look like an autumn-themed rainbow when I walk out of the house for a social engagement. Please begin to pay more attention to the fact that your shirts don’t fit right. Who cares if the material and pattern is LIKE OMG, LIKE, SO HOT if it looks like a big mass of frump on me? (And yes, i’m heterosexual.)

3. Why do jeans SUCK? It mostly pains me to spend more than $50 on a single item of clothing, but that reservation is quickly being trampled because I can’t find clothes that look like they should be on my body. Jeans are the worst. The issue is compounded by the fact that working from home for the past four months has caused me to lose quite a bit of weight (something about not eating out everyday, perhaps?) and now i’m halfway between a 36/30 and a 34/30 (yeah, I got short legs, you wanna fight about it?) It’s difficult enough to find a good fit in a size. Being in-between means I have to double the amount of dressing room time only to be rewarded for my troubles by choosing between the not breathing size or the size up (which is the male equivalent of mom jeans.) It’s just not fair.

The thought of spending $100+ on jeans makes me shiver in a bad way… but the thought that this item of clothing that I wear 95% of the days of the year might not fit… well, that’s just ridiculous. Designer denim may be the lesser of two evils.

4. Miss Salesperson, please refrain from telling me how much I “saved” by shopping during your seasonal sale. I didn’t save anything. There’s was no saving occurring. I just gave you money in exchange for goods. That means I SPENT. Spending is kind of like the exact opposite of saving.

5. I’m tempted to write a “Dear South Carolina,” post, highlighting all the ways that The SC is missing the memo on it being Fall and how i’m suffering and my Fall wardrobe is bitter and lonely and I stare longingly at my closet, hoping for chances to wear jackets and long sleeves and such. I’m tempted. But i’m also moving to Tennessee on Tuesday, so who really cares? Bring on the cold weather.